Feel at ease being you.
Find authentic connection.
Belong in this world.
Attachment-based therapy
for social anxiety and childhood relational trauma
Portland, OR, and online across Oregon
Why do humans feel so stressful to be around?
Tell me if you recognize any of this:
Growing up, important people in your life were consistently a source of stress or painful feelings. Or, you were just left to yourself.
You’re really afraid that people will notice you being weird, stupid, ugly, incompetent, ignorant, too much, not enough, unacceptable or inappropriate.
People make you feel stiff, frozen, tense, blank, exhausted. Or maybe you blush, your stomach is in knots and your heart races, you feel sweaty, can’t breathe but compulsively smile, you overshare or go mute, and you definitely don’t know what to do with your hands.
In some ways you don’t have a clear sense of who you are, what you feel, what you want or don’t want.
You are dealing with ongoing depression, anxiety or panic for no obvious reason. You feel very alone.
It’s painful to watch others apparently having an easy time connecting. It’s lonely. Relationships have always been complicated or disappointing for you and it’s hard to fully trust them.
Somewhere inside you there’s a real yearning for deep, authentic connection. That might be embarrassing to admit. You can almost sense in your bones that it should be possible… But you don’t know how.
You may have picked up some of these common ways of coping:
You criticize yourself mercilessly and relentlessly for everything you’ve done wrong and for everything you’re yet unable to do. You torture yourself in shame and humiliation. You can’t help feeling fundamentally bad and defective. This is excruciating.
You try so hard to be perfect and impeccable at what you present to the world: you can’t bear being seen as a mess or doing something wrong. So you delay and postpone things until it’s flawless, and get overwhelmed. You strategize intensely for your social performance. You feel lonely.
You people-please. You take it upon yourself to make sure others are happy. Your life plans adjust to circumstance and other people. Maybe you’re even proud of how little you need and how much you can provide. You’re often not sure what your needs and boundaries are, or you can’t say No. People intrude on you or take you for granted. It feels like there’s never space for you, or the thought of taking up space terrifies you. You don’t get angry, you just stay quiet and give more. Conflict is something you avoid because you get overpowered.
You avoid people and don’t let them see you. Big boundaries are how you roll. It doesn’t feel safe to show and express yourself to the world. Maybe you give up on people and say you don’t need them. You isolate physically or emotionally because it feels like when people come close, they will take from you, shame you, attack you or harm you.
You dissociate. You leave your body, go blank, can’t feel anything, become nobody, maybe lose yourself in videogames, social media, fantasy, or spirituality. You intellectualize or take various substances because then you feel better for a bit. You mentally go somewhere where you don’t have to feel – and they can’t harm you.
And you’re at a point in your life where you realize: this is not working.
You want something ELSE.
Though you may not even be clear on what “something else” looks and feels like…
I’m Tate.
I specialize in helping people heal their relationship to themselves, to others, and to the world.
I usually work with self-conscious outsiders, who might even be helpers or leaders, and who are stressed out by people or who struggle with boundaries. They want to be free of the intense self-criticism and instead feel belonging and connection. In working with me, they develop a healthy sense of self-compassion, grow empowered to connect with people authentically, and find their voice in the world.
You can feel safe and connected
at the same time.
It’s a human thing.
On the one hand we want to be an independent person and on the other we want to feel connected to people.
Sometimes we give up on protecting our needs and autonomy just to get love and connection.
Sometimes we give up on love and connection just to protect our needs and autonomy.
I help people have satisfying relationships in which they can feel they are well-protected and well-connected: both at the same time.
Areas of focus
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is difficult but doesn’t have to be a lifelong condition. Engaging in a safe relationship in therapy can help rewire those old patterns over time.
Helpers & Healers
You are there for others yet feel oddly unsupported and unseen yourself. Explore your authentic Yes and No so you can share your gifts in a way that honors you.
Attachment Issues
Childhood relational trauma can disrupt your ability to form healthy bonds in life. We heal relationship wounds through presence and attunement with you in the moment.
Here’s how it happens:
After browsing this website, you might have questions or want to get a sense of how I am in person. Please reach out!
We meet online and talk about what you are looking for and what I offer, and see if it’s a match. We also just get a feel for each other. Socially anxious clients often tell me they’re surprised to feel pretty comfortable by the end. There’s no obligation.
Afterwards, you might decide you want to work with me. If you do, just let me know. We’ll set up a time to meet regularly and we’ll do some paperwork.
We’ll start laying the foundations for you to feel safe in our connection.
Eventually you’ll be able to go deeper and come into relationship with things that have been overwhelming in the past. But this time it will be doable.